


The Things You Don't Know

by starlightarcher



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Friendzone, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 05:22:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15623478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightarcher/pseuds/starlightarcher
Summary: He wants to be more than friends, she wants to mourn. It's the things that you don't know that break your heart most. Kaidan and Shepard deal with losing the one they love best.Warning: references to character death not depicted.





	1. Chapter 1

_"I have feelings for you Shepard, and I want more."_

Something in her had shattered at his words, her smile a jagged thing. He knew, even before she opened her mouth, he knew her words were going to hurt.

_"I'm sorry Kaidan; I think we should keep things professional."_

Yep, that had hurt all right. He closed his eyes, trying desperately to forget. Even though the meal had been his idea, he'd wanted frantically to get out of there, and couldn't signal for the check fast enough. Shepard hadn't done more than pick at her food anyway. And now things would be awkward. Dammit! He closed his eyes, wanting to thump his head on the table. Despite his early promise to himself to not dwell, Kaidan couldn’t stop himself from analyzing the moment over and over again. Instead he pinched the bridge of his nose, and tried to look like he was doing something other than brooding in the mess.

Him and Shepard —well it just made sense, in him mind anyway. They worked so well together in combat and … before they’d been such good friends on the first Normandy. She often asked for his input, even though she was the Commander. She hadn’t accepted the advances of Dr. T’Soni, either. Maybe he’d been imagining things, but he remembered how her gaze would linger on him. He’d thought it was the regs keeping them apart back then. God knew he’d wanted to say something- badly in fact.

Kaidan winced, of course then there were the Collectors… oh yeah them and Horizon. His gut twisted even further when he also remembered some of his more barbed comments on Mars too. God, he really was an ass. So, was that it? Was it his hurtful words that had driven her away, because he could make it right. Or, or was it something bigger than that? Was there someone else? Maybe that’s what was going on. He frowned. Shepard was a ferociously private person, especially since becoming a Specter. As soon as her life had become what she called “public domain”, she’d fought even harder to keep some piece of herself safe and private. So while Shepard never revealed anything about her intimate life, something could be going on with no-one the wiser. So really, the question was, who was it?

He'd seen the looks that passed between Shepard and Liara. Looks that spoke multitudes in silence. At first he thought it had meant something had happened between the two of them. He still wasn't sure it hadn't. But there were other times —moments when the silent looks made them seem more like sisters than anything else. Maybe there wasn't anything going on? His eyes followed the patterns of faint scratches in the table without really seeing them as he tried to piece things together.

He'd been in the hospital when Garrus had come aboard. He was almost surprised how often Shepard's steps took her toward the battery. She almost always wore the same faint smile when she breezed past. There had been some idle speculation from one or two crew members, but the Doc had shot down those notions fairly quick. Besides, Shepard and Garrus were friends; had been through hell together —twice over in fact. And Garrus wasn’t exactly subtle about the fact that he wasn’t really into human women. Doctor Michele's efforts not withstanding.

Kaidan frowned to himself, his mind following Shepard's usual progress round the ship. She did spend enough time up on the bridge to raise eyebrows, but that could just be for business reasons as any other. Joker was another one who'd been there for her. Shepard was always remarkably good to those loyal to her. And if Joker could be believed, his was the first familiar face she'd seen off the operating table. The thought made his stomach twist with...something. Kaidan knew his thoughts concerning Joker’s so-called loyalty were anything from clear. His frown quickly became a pronounced sigh. No, Joker had EDI, if one could call that a relationship, exactly.

Even just picturing Shepard moving through the ship was painful. God he cared about her so much, and she... she'd completely rejected him. He wasn't sure if he was mad at her, mad at himself or just mad at the galaxy in general; probably some horrible combination of all three. His heart sank even further when he heard the elevator open and the sound of familiar steps.

"Shepard," a voice with a mechanized edge was speaking. Tali was always easy to recognize.

"I'm fine," her wonderful and awful voice replied, her tone gruff.

"Shepard, please," Tali's tone was bordering on plaintive.

"I said I'm fine," she growled.

Kaidan shivered slightly. He'd never heard Shepard sound so threatening in his life, and he’d been with her on Ferros.

"You're not fine Shepard," the Quarian continued, rather bravely in his opinion. "We're worried about you. You haven't even..."

"You don't wanna finish that sentence," she broke in, her tone colder than a Noverian blizzard.

There was a very long silence, followed by the whispering hiss of a door opening and closing. He could hear Tali muttering to herself as she headed toward his spot in the mess.

"Oh, Kaidan, I didn't see you there," Tali sounded nervous. Shepard must've really scared her.

"Hey," he tried to sound like a person who hadn't eavesdropped on their conversation. He watched the young woman putter around for a moment.

"What's wrong with Shepard?" he finally asked, deciding they might as well talk about the elephant in the room. Kaidan wasn't an expert on Quarian gestures, but he could feel the exasperation and anxiety coming off her in waves.

"Why don't you try asking her, Major," she sniffed.

"I'm not ready to meet the business end of her shotgun," he replied sourly.

Tali snorted. "That makes two of us."

They both settled into a comfortable silence, each preoccupied with their own thoughts.

Again his mind traced her usual route through the ship when it occurred to him; Shepard spent a large amount of time in the Life Support plant. He frowned, trying to come up with a reason for her lingering. Surely EDI could monitor the equipment better than she could.

"So why does she spend so much time in Life Support?" he blurted the question, obviously his brain and his mouth were having a solid disconnect at the moment.

Tali did a double take, her shock palpable. "You don't know? Keelah, you really don't know do you?" she said, almost to herself.

Kaidan stared at her, not knowing what to say.

Tali dropped into the seat across from him. Her shoulders sagged, like she'd just been saddled with an extraordinary weight.

"Shepard... well, she loved someone," her words were a bit halting. Tali's voice carried so much pain. He blinked his surprise. "Someone from the Collector mission," his friend clarified. "He... his room was there, in Life Support," she finished and Kaidan had the distinct impression there was a lot being left unsaid. “I think she visits to feel close to him.” Tali threw a glance over her shoulder. As though she were afraid Shepard would appear suddenly.

"Oh."

So there was someone else. But wait, why was everyone acting so cautious about it-like the subject was a live grenade?

"So where is he?" Kaidan finally asked.

Tali flinched, her head dropping further into her hunched shoulders. "He's dead, Kaidan," she said very, very softly.

It felt like he'd been kicked in the gut. Kaidan wanted to smack himself in the head. Of course, the entire galaxy was at war. People were losing loved ones at every turn. It made sense that she might lose someone too.

"When?" He hadn't meant to whisper, but he felt winded.

"During the Cerberus coup," Tali whispered back.

Forget being kicked in the gut, he felt like he'd been thrown by a biotic punch! He had the distinct impression that his mouth was hanging open, but he couldn't move past the shock to remember how to close it. The coup attempt had been... what, two- no three and a half weeks ago!

"Garrus said it happened right in front of her," Tali's voice barely reached him across the chasm of his shock, and her words only brought a fresh wave of horror.

He didn't remember putting his head into his hands, but suddenly there it was. That knowledge felt like a millstone, weighing him down, and it wasn't even his lover that he'd lost. In some ways it was worse. Shepard was no doubt feeling the same agony he was, only colored by the horror of having to watch it replay in her nightmares every night. And there wasn't any way he could help her. Knowing her, she'd bottle it up, especially when someone was around. He couldn't even offer words of comfort or sympathy. Kaidan shuddered, feeling sick. And he'd just declared his feelings. The woman was in mourning and there he was, hoping to climb into her pants! Some combination of horror and self-loathing twisted through his gut, and he felt beyond wretched. He couldn’t even go apologize for his lack of delicacy without acknowledging ship gossip. There wasn’t any way to make it right, and not any way to un-know it. He stood without realizing it. Tali’s exclamation was lost, as was whatever excuse he made, before his feet began moving. It didn’t really matter. He just had to get away. Just somewhere to outrun the humiliation in his gut and the horror in his mind.


	2. Chapter 2

The past few days had been blurry, with moments of unfortunate clarity. He remembered Thessia, regrettably in too great a detail. Thankfully Shepard hadn’t tapped him for the mission; leaving Earth had been difficult enough. He must’ve been pacing, because EDI finally commented.

“Major Alenko, Starboard Observation is not equipped for calisthenics. Lt. Vega has set up equipment in the cargo hold if you require exercise,” her prim voice scolded.

“Thanks,” he muttered, still not entirely comfortable with the AI. 

The unshackled, fully self-aware, Cerberus built, Reaper compatible AI that was wearing the body of the unit that practically killed him. In any other world, it would’ve been the perfect plot for a slasher vid, he just knew it.

“Major, your metabolic output indicates you are suffering from excessive stress. Do you require medical assistance?”

“No, I’m fine,” he lied, feeling the beginnings of a migraine take hold. “Shit,” he muttered under his breath. Hopefully Dr. Michel kept the pills in the same place Chakwas did.

“Damn it doc!” Shepard’s familiar voice squawked as the med-bay doors opened. She was braced against one of the beds, with Michel at one side and Garrus on the other. Between the pair of them, they were trying to remove the warped and melted pieces of her armor. No doubt there was something horrifying underneath that Shepard insisted was merely a flesh wound.

“This would work so much easier if you would let me anesthetize you Commander,” the doctor sounded like she was ready to throttle their leader.

“So this one here can take advantage of me in my weakened state? Never!” She tossed her chin in Garrus’ direction. Typical Shepard to joke at a moment like that. The trio apparently hadn’t heard the door over the sound of Shepard’s cursing and Garrus’ post-battle run down.

“Next time Shepard, forget guns, just stab the hatass.”

“It’s ass-hat Garrus, and believe me, I’m way ahead of you,” she snarled as the doc managed to pry the last piece from its jammed casings.

“Looks like it went all the way down to the implant,” the doctor observed. “I know up-close is your style Commander, but this is getting serious.”

“Nothing says ‘sod off my planet’ like an omni-blade death cuddle,” Shepard bantered as the doctor ripped open the back of the ballistic cloth.

“Spirits Shepard, I didn’t know you were into markings,” Garrus commented when the sight of an elegant tattoo appeared. “How far do they go?”

“Shaddup,” she growled playfully. “You’d never ask Jack something like that.”

“That’s because Jack didn’t believe in shirts,” he answered cheekily.

Kaidan couldn’t stop staring. A long line of delicate alien characters ran down her spine from the spot below her nape until they disappeared at the waistline of her pants. He didn’t mean to stare, but considering the contrast of the dark green ink against her very pale skin, well it was difficult to look anywhere else. Garrus very carefully touched the art, and she shivered slightly.

“They look fairly recent,” Michel commented absently as she cleaned the wound on Shepard’s lower rib cage.

“Got’em not long before I left Earth,” she replied.

“Well, as long as you’re keeping them properly disinfected.”

Kaidan could practically hear Shepard rolling her eyes.

“Are, are these what they look like?” Garrus asked, and his voice was flanged with an undercurrent of sympathy.

Shepard flinched and pulled inward slightly. “Yeah, they are.”

“Did he?”

“He knew.” She cut him off with a look that dared him to pity her.

“The cybernetics should begin repairs soon,” Doctor Michel said, breaking the moment and pre-empting whatever Garrus might’ve been about to say. “Just keep the medi-gel bandage on and you should have full functionality in a few hours. “Oh, Major, sorry I didn’t see you there.”

Kaidan flinched slightly, feeling awkward at being caught eavesdropping, again. “Got anything for a migraine doc?” he asked, rubbing the heel of his hand against the back of his skull, suddenly aware of the pounding.

“Of course, come in.”

Shepard was wriggling as much as the bandages would allow, trying to cover herself and the art that decorated her back. “Well, looks like you’ve got your hands full. I’ll catch you folks later.”

“You sure you’re ok, Shepard?” Garrus ventured.

“I’m fine Garrus,” she replied, and her tone warned against further inquiry.

“Commander you really should,” Michelle called, but sighed in defeat when Shepard rabbited away to the lift.

With her primary patient gone, the doctor kept him an hour or two under observation. While he waited he deliberated talking to Liara about what he’d seen. But considering everything that had happened that day, it was hardly appropriate. Later he dropped heavily onto one of the lounges, staring blankly at the stars for a long time. Kaidan mulled over everything he’d seen and heard. Tali said Shepard had been in love with someone. And from Garrus’ reaction, she’d gotten the tattoo either for or because of him. She must’ve loved this person a great deal. Shepard had always been definite when it came to feelings and body art. She’d always said both could be serious and have permanent reminders of recklessness. It was hard to swallow the notion that she could’ve met and loved someone else so deeply in such a short amount of time.

Kaidan didn’t know why he was so fixated on this mystery man of Shepard’s; it wasn’t his business. Yet, it was a puzzle that intrigued him and he just couldn’t let it go. He rubbed his eyes trying to decide if it was wounded pride or morbid curiosity that needled him to find out who Shepard was grieving for. Maybe if he figured out the whom, he’d manage to sort out his own particular why. Well, at least that’s what he decided to tell himself.

“EDI,” he called to the room in general.

“Yes Major?”

“I need some data on the specialists that were stationed on the Normandy during the Collector mission,” he said, trying to sound as official as possible.

“The dossiers originally provided by the Illusive Man can be found in the ships’ public archives,” she replied. “If you require more in depth information, I recommend you speak with the Shadow Broker.”

Kaidan opened his omni-tool and began working.

“If I may ask, Major, what relevance does this information have on our current mission?”

“Not sure yet,” he fibbed. “Oh, and EDI, I’d appreciate it if you kept this to yourself.”

“Understood Major,” she replied. 

He could hear the disapproval in her tone, but that was hardly about to stop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's kinda short, but for a long time I thought it was a one shot. But for some reason I couldn't leave it there.
> 
> Oh, and for those curious, Shepard's tattoo are the names of Thane's gods in the drell language.


	3. Chapter 3

He didn’t bother watching Horizon disappear behind them. In fact, Kaidan wanted to forget he’d ever heard of the place. The ghost town that was Sanctuary had nearly triggered a flashback of his last visit to the colony, and he was still queasy in the after effects. He suspected that Shepard asked him to accompany her because this place had so many bad memories. When he’d mentioned Cerberus and the colony her eyes had narrowed rather dangerously.

“Take a walk with me,” she had said.

Her voice had such a hollow quality to it, and he knew then it would be a painful job for them both.   
Kaidan sighed heavily. Looking back, perhaps he’d never really had a chance with Shepard. He’d laid the ground work for their estrangement on Horizon and then the infamous Thane Krios had swept in to finish what he’d started.

He frowned to himself. It hadn’t taken long to figure out who Shepard’s mystery lover was. While the original dossiers held only the most perfunctory of details, he’d begun checking those names against the ones on the memorial wall. Liara waved him toward her drone when he’d gone asking questions. Basically telling him to ‘play with it outside’ like his mom had when he was little. Kaidan still felt a bit guilty for reading letters between lovers, which was the last thing he ever imagined doing. Then again, he never imaged Shepard loving a professional murderer either. Cerberus had called him the galaxy’s most deadly assassin, and the Broker’s information only confirmed it.

Kaidan rubbed at his eyes, and tried to puzzle out the poisonous feeling in his gut. Shepard’s grief was the same as when he’d been in the dark, yet now he felt like it was almost farcical. How could she, how could anyone, love an assassin? The man had been paid to kill people! Kaidan knew about grief. When Shepard died, he’d spent months lost in a haze of regret and pain. She’d been so good, and so brave that the thought of her being gone had ripped holes in him. But Krios? He was a murderer, pure and simple. Where Shepard always worked for peaceful solutions, Krios was just a killer, nothing gray about it. Even though Shepard was grieving, he still wanted to shake her by the shoulders and demand to know what the hell she’d been thinking.

He didn’t realize he was on his feet, or that they were leading him blindly. All he could focus on were the thoughts that chased him about like a swarm of angry bees. The sight of Shepard’s cabin door surprised him, but to a certain extent it felt right. He’d spent the weeks since her rejection thinking in circles. It was finally time to confront her. Closure might be impossible, but if he could just understand or make her understand, he might finally get some measure of peace. He hit the holo-lock and the door opened with a quiet woosh. The view from the doorway stopped him cold.

Shepard was standing in the middle of her cabin; the wavering blue light from the fish tank hit her profile that picked out the edges of her anguished face. One arm was wrapped around her waist like it was the only thing holding her together; the other cradled her cheek. Her eyes were pinched shut. It took him a second to realize Shepard was doing something he’d never seen before, something he thought he’d never see- she was praying.

“Amonkira, Lord of Hunters,” she whispered. “Guide my feet tonight, swift as a heartbeat. Arashu, great mother, go with me so my resolve will not falter. Kalahira, voice from beyond the waves…” her voice broke slightly. “Tell him I’m coming. Wait for me Thane, it won’t be long now.”

A stray tear escaped down her cheek and he must’ve made some noise, because she looked up so suddenly that it startled him. Her expression was so broken and haggard, that he felt his breath catch.  
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

The surprising bit was that he actually was. Her expression was like looking into a mirror image of his own. Kaidan suddenly understood her anger and her silences, because he’d experienced them himself. “Shepard, I’m so sorry,” he said quietly.

She made a slightly strangled noise in the back of her throat, and he could see she was fighting a full emotional break down. Without pausing to think he crossed the room and pulled her into a tight hug.  
“I’m so sorry for your loss, Shepard,” he whispered over and over.

The sobs that shook her frame were terrible, like the dying of a gravely wounded animal, and he could feel her tears on his shoulder. They stood that way for long minutes as the storm of her grief spent itself. Eventually her wracking sobs subsided into tremulous sniffles.

“Thanks Kaidan,” she sniffed. “Sorry about your shirt.”

“It’s alright.”

It was hard to know what to say, and Kaidan doubted any of the others realized how deep her grief really ran. Hell, he hadn’t even recognized it till moments ago.

“I get it now.” He was a bit surprised to hear his own voice. Shepard looked at him curiously. “Why you shot Udina.”

A muscle in her jaw twitched, one of her signature tells that she was irritated.

“He took something from me.” Though her voice was soft, it wasn’t a comforting nature. It was the flat tone of a precision killer. “Something that was beyond precious; something that was irreplaceable. They took something that held me together; that made me me. They all did. They took what mattered most, so now I take from them in kind, and call it even.”

She whispered the words, like an oft repeated vow.

“Vengeance doesn’t suite you, Shepard,” he said. 

His voice didn’t sound like his own, but they were the only two present, so it must’ve been him who spoke.

“Neither does bereavement,” she replied as she extricated herself and dropped onto the edge of the bed.

She rested her head in her hands, and her long hair fell like a curtain hiding her face. “I’m so tired,” she whispered.

Kaidan sat and watched her, not knowing what to say.

“Anderson talked about running from foxhole to foxhole. It’s funny, but I knew exactly what he meant. It feels like that’s what I’ve been doing my whole life. Since I was sixteen I’ve been running as fast as I can to stay ahead of catastrophe. I had to die to get any rest, and even that was a cop out,” she muttered.

Shepard must’ve felt the curiosity in his gaze because she looked up at him.

“It was two years for all of you, it felt like less than a moment to me,” she explained. “Engulfing darkness, then… lights from the med lab.” She studied her fingers. “I didn’t believe them at first, couldn’t. But it’s one of the only things Cerberus was ever honest about.”

At length she looked up at him and her expression it was like she was trying to make him understand the depth of her confusion and her bitterness.

“I spent weeks trying to come to grips with that. That I’d been dead. That I’d been rebuilt, like some patched mech- by Cerberus of all people! That the galaxy had moved on, after it branded me a lunatic,” she sneered at the floor as she ticked off the statements on her fingers. “Then I met a dying man,” her voice caught. “He didn’t care that I was completely broken, inside and out. He was just as broken as me, and I loved him for that.”

A heavy silence hung about them. The bubbling of the fish tank only served to underline how incredibly silent they were in comparison.

“I know what you think of him,” she finally spoke.

Kaidan grimaced awkwardly. “EDI,” he muttered.

“No, Joker,” she replied. “But then again, you’ve hardly been subtle.”

He cringed. Well so much for brooding in solitude, he’d been caught.

Shepard sighed. “Thane was what he was, and he’s gone now.”

“But you’re not, Shepard,” Kaidan said.

“No, not yet anyway.”

“You don’t plan on coming through this.” 

He meant to ask, but it was more an accusation.

“I… I don’t plan on many things anymore. All I want is to end this, and if someone has to climb over my corpse to make that happen, I’ll have served well,” Shepard said. “I was so happy; I just want that back.”

Kaidan frowned. “We all mourned you once Shepard. Please don’t put us through that again.”

She was about reply, but was cut off before she could.

“Shepard, we’ll be approaching Cronos station in twenty minutes,” EDI’s voice sounded through the cabin.

“Thanks,” she replied.

Kaidan blinked and the grieving woman from the moment before was gone, hidden inside Commander Shepard. He knew if he hadn’t come to confront her, he’d never have seen the dead woman walking among them.

She stepped over to her armor closet and began pulling out pieces of her gear. After a moment she glanced up at him, and her expression wasn’t easily understood.

“Fancy another walk, Major?” she asked.

Kaidan studied her for a heartbeat or two, examining her real question and deciding his answer. He finally nodded. “Till it’s done Commander.”

“You’re a good friend, Kaidan, thank you,” she said before turning back to her armor locker.

He waited till he was back in the elevator before he spoke. “No, no I’m not,” he whispered to himself. He'd never really had her, but damned if he wasn't going to hoard every last moment with her until there were no more left.


End file.
